This blog has been my baby for a good seven years. And whilst, it’s had it’s peaks and troughs it’s been something constant throughout those said years. There’s been long illnesses, loss of loved ones, break up of friendships, job changes and more so it’s easy to feel like this space on the web offers me something when there are both life-shattering and life-changing events going on around me. So, why do I feel so lost with it all and feel stuck in a major rut?
I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks now and I keep thinking about it. Thinking I need to keep posting and figuring something out to write here, so, here I am. Writing through it and at best, trying to figure it out.
When I won my award at the Bloggers Blog Awards in September I genuinely thought, “this is it, I’m gonna drive this blog so hard no-one will know what to do with themselves.” And quite frankly, that’s fallen flat on it’s arse.
The change in seasons is always an amazing time to start afresh. See things with a new perspective and I really, really, reeeeally thought that was what was going to happen. But, I guess life just doesn’t happen that way. Does it?
It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love with blogging, it’s far from it.
In fact, I want to put my heart and soul in to writing things for you. That is, if you will let me.
But there is such a pressure to keep up with the herd.
I love writing my think-pieces, but I always wonder if they get anyone thinking at all?I love writing and shooting my fashion content, but am I really that fashionable for anyone to care? I love writing my travel posts as it’s something I’ve always had a passion for, but isn’t there someone else out there, somewhere who is writing way more interesting content than I am?
My answer is: I don’t know.
To be honest, all through my life I’ve second-guessed myself. Even when I know I’ve done a good job. I guess that’s a small part of my anxiety rearing it’s ugly head too.
But really, the main question I ask myself is…
What is this all for?
My answer is: I don’t know (again!)
My blog is not something I can (at the moment) see myself making a full time income from – maybe if I put myself out there a little bit more, who knows what might come from it. But, my self-doubt outweighs this argument all day long, because even if there was an ounce of me making a go of it full-time I’d still, always worry I wasn’t good enough.
However, I think if I really had to answer that question is that this place is a bit of an online diary for me. Somewhere I can offload. Be it talking about a powerful subject that piques plenty of people’s interest to the really inane topics that people probably, really couldn’t give a shit about.
It’s a place where when my brain is full, writing things down is cathartic for me. The grammar police could probably knock on my door every time I post, but do I really, truly, honestly care if I have punctuated my sentence right, if the bulk of what I’m saying helps me or in fact, someone else out there?
This post in itself has been something for me to fill that gap where I’ve been worrying that I haven’t posted in a while. All these thoughts whizzing and whirring around in my head are now on a white screen that you may (or maybe not) be looking at. It might be utter bollocks but here you are, a little piece that has rounded up where I am right now.
I have ideas floating back in to my head that I want to write about. I want to take this blog to somewhere where people can come along to and feel like they’re talking to their big sister and I can help inspire you to do something that will help you each and every day.
It might be a big task, and a rather narcissistic one at that. But I want to do this for me, and for others too who may have lost themselves a bit along the way that might not always feel confident in their abilities (like I have on so many occasions.) But, we all have it in us to be the best version ourselves, don’t we?
So, hopefully by writing this out my rut will come unstuck and the direction on my blog will continue and (fingers crossed) prosper!
Thanks for sticking around, be it, for all those years or even my newest readers. I really do appreciate it. I’ll stop yapping now!
Bee
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