20 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT ABOUT NAVIGATING FRIENDSHIP IN YOUR 20’SYour twenties are a super conflicting time, but the one thing I’ve found most difficult and confusing is the area of friendships – how do I make them, how do I retain them, how do I become a better friend as well as juggle all the plates we already have in our lives. No wonder we don’t always get it right! These are 20 things I have learnt about navigating friendship in your 20’s.
(I have to fully thank Sophie for helping with this working blog post title when we were discussing it in my life coaching session.)
And don’t let people make you feel like you have to be either. We all have busy lives and sometimes people have to appreciate that your life doesn’t revolve around theirs. The good friends won’t hold it against you that you forgot to send a birthday card when you had that deadline at work or that you couldn’t make Thursday wine nights because you forgot you’d double booked.
Be careful who you can trust, it’s such a precious thing to give to a person and it can very easily be destroyed by someone going behind your back. I already have a complex when it comes to trust due to my past. If someone does this to you, just remember to keep your cards close to your chest and invest your time in to the friendships that you know are worthy of your trust.
If I’ve learnt anything over the years it’s to let things go. You can find yourself in situations where you want to blast names and deets everywhere, but the true testament to yourself is rising above it and keeping those pesky hormones in check. There’s no need to look like a sour bitch forever if you can help it. Rise above and then some.
Allow yourself to be able to say no to things, there have been times when I have felt like I couldn’t say no to social obligations in fear that friends would check me on it, but sometimes you do have work early the next morning or work weekends and really don’t need a hangover whilst serving customers at work after you’ve not even managed to sip on your coffee yet, or the fact your bank balance is screaming at “DON’T DO IT. DON’T DO IT.” There’s been so many times I’ve been coerced in to saying yes and it’s left me feeling pretty rubbish in the morning and my purse strings definitely haven’t thanked me for it. When you do say yes, it will be like “Aw yeah, let’s make this special!”
I am my own worst enemy and find my anxiety goes through the roof when I have a social gathering that day or night. I’m sweaty, I come out in a rash and my heart beats out of my chest. But, once I’m there I actually have a good time so I need to train my brain to look forward to those get together’s rather than worrying about it.
But really, if anything, it can make you feel pretty piss poor afterwards. Learning when to say “I don’t want to talk about this anymore because it brings me no joy (& it’s pretty mean too)” is a pretty powerful tool. I’ve actually used this on a couple of occasions and it’s felt really good to move on and talk about a topic that actually brings me more joy.
However, others will always most definitely view it differently! You can only do what you can to support your friends through life and if there are any expectations that go above and beyond that from them, especially when you know that you are trying as hard as you can, this is sadly their issue and not yours.
Before I started blogging I was like “there is no way I’m going to make new friends in my 20’s” I’d already made myself a barrier before even attempting to. As soon as I started blogging I met so many amazing females who empowered me, were my cheerleaders, had amazing things to say and it felt so good to find a gang that understood me and I got them too. Taking up a hobby was one of the best things I could have ever done for my friendship groups.
As you get older, you have more responsibilities, more hobbies and interests and even more people to please so you can be forgiven for not always picking up the phone. I have friends that I won’t see for years and suddenly as soon as we see each other, it’s like no time has passed at all. Those are the friends who won’t hold a grudge if you didn’t check up on them constantly and it’s nice to know that friendships can come easy if you have the right people in your life.
There was a period of time where I shut myself off to so many people and wouldn’t let anyone in (and I still can when I’m that way out) I’d solely relying on my husband. Whilst I love him to the ends of the earth, he’s my best friend and he’s also one of the very few people that I trust, I have had to learn that sometimes having a friend with an outsiders opinion can make you see things from a different point of view.
They’ve gone to uni, they may have moved to a different town or maybe, you just don’t need that negative energy in your life anymore. Learn to let go and accept the ebbs and flows of friendship. Friendship isn’t static and as you grow as person, your interests change, your lifestyles can change so let yourself lean in to letting go of the ones that don’t always serve you the best purpose and find your tribe.
Sometimes when your pockets aren’t brimming with cash, the dreaded “shall we just split the bill” question rears it’s head and you panic and you say “yeah sure” whilst trying to hold back the sobs at the back of your throat. If you’re skint, make sure the other person knows before you go out and get that horrible conversation out the way. Obviously if you have had things of equal measure then go 50/50 but there’s been times where I’ve watched someone eat a steak and order more prosecco, all the while I’m eating the cheapest pasta dish on the menu and nursing a glass of red wine all night – don’t be that person! And equally don’t be on the other foot either, don’t expect that people will happily split the bill when you’ve had more than them.
That’s right. You might think that you’re doing the right thing by being around and making yourself available but you might not be the person that they want around. You gotta learn the hard way, but it’s how you let yourself deal with it that makes you stronger.
I can count on my hand the people that I would happily spend a weeks holiday abroad with (aside from my husband of course) and I think when you have those types of gorgeous people in your life you know you’ve found a gem of a friendship!
Ever had a friend that just nags and nags at you, well, it’s time to put your foot down and stop taking it. You’re a fully grown adult and if you don’t like a situation you are in, you can control that and say “let’s move on now.” Friends are there to support you, champion you and help you make sense of the muddles you get yourself in to – not to make you feel worse. Once you realise that that toxic behaviour is not what you need, it’s time to either address it or say “CYA PAL!”
Sometimes it’s more about the nights where you can slob out in your pj’s, with your face masks on and a whole 12 inch pizza each just setting the worlds to rights! Grand gestures are nice from time to time, but pride those who will be there for you at silly o’clock at night if you need to cry in to a bowl full of Ben & Jerry’s rather than those who send a huge bunch of flowers or buy you an extravagant gift.
I am guilty of not showering people in love, I’m not an overly cuddly or touchy feely person so it’s difficult but a pat on the back and one quick embrace will not kill you.
friends can easy fall out and it can be over the stupidest things and sometimes it hurts really hard that you’re not quite sure if you can give any more than you have. Your own super power is to forgive because most of the time it’s not worth the effort of negative energy.
Look after the ones who bring you laughter and fill your life with joy. Think about the key people in your life who whenever you spend time with, make you feel like you’re being the best version of yourself. It might not be many people, but you always have to remember with anything in life; it’s not about quantity, it’s the quality.
We can get so lost in our own heads that we forget that our friends need jeering along the way too. It works both ways so remember to be their cheerleader and champion all their successes with them as well. It will mean a lot to them in to the long run and it will make you a lot closer.
Bee
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