This post is highly satirical. Full stop. As a long-serving blogger of 4 and a bit years I have seen the Blogosphere change completely, what used to be about the written word is now about appearances, numbers and social media too. I for one have been sucked in and I am guilty as charged when it comes to everything that I’m about to type. So join me on this quest to laugh at ourselves and the Blogging Cliches that have become us.
What’s your favourite dish? ”MUGS.” No, I’m not going all Demi L on you, if we have an enamel mug with our initial on it we are gonna go BAT SHIT CRAY CRAY on you, that’s because it’s so FRICKING awesome to have a pretty mug that is completely dedicated to the first initial of our name and hey, that makes us and it, pretty unique. It’s like it was made for us.
OH MY GOD. I think I may have just perfected my first ever perfect flatlay photo. I think I’m gonna cry. The blood, sweat and tears I have gone through to make sure that my Diptyque candle (see point 1) stayed in place longer that 0.0001332323232 seconds to get that perfect shot. HALL-FREAKING-LUJAH. I can die happy. (Ps. Have you seen my first ever PERFECT flatlay photo above #BLOGGOALZ)
”Okay, should I pose now? No-ones coming right?” Because it feels so totally natural (not) to be in the middle of the street getting our blog pose on when there’s 50 million people walking down the street, your skin is almost burning from the glares and death stares. But hey, who cares? This outfits cute and all of my 315 readers have to see it. Am I right?
ASOS SALE. Did someone say discount on my favourite clothing site? CLICKS BUY ALL DA CLOTHES. Spend the rest of the month as a pauper just dying and waiting for someone to invite me to a free meal to review! I want more than beans on toast for tea, because hello, my instagram feed is lacking good food photos.
Point 5 leads nicely to number 6. ERRRRRNNNNSTTTTAAAAGRAAAAMMMMMM. Who doesn’t love this box shaped little photo application on our phones that now does not require square shaped photos. How the F am I gonna transition from using pretty white borders on all my photos to not using them? I mean, do the makers of Instagram not know how my obsessive nature is going to have to deal with this?
So, which cocktail is going to look the prettiest? Don’t they know I have photos to be taking of them? Who cares if it tastes vile. I just want a pretty cocktail GODDAMMIT.
Has the obsession with Copper and Marble disappeared yet? No? Good! I need EVERYTHING from the H&M Life section to make sure my house is a house filled with Coppery/Marble goodness because, it’s gospel that this is all Bloggers love and need in their life.
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. PUT THE FORK DOWN. DON’T YOU KNOW I NEED A PHOTO OF THAT FIRST? (This requires no more words)
Reaching follower milestones. We say this doesn’t matter, but really we all know it does. #Sassy.
It’s okay to be different in a world of people lusting and wanting the same things, it’s also okay to like things that other people like too. We are funny little breed, us Bloggers, but we are a force to be reckoned with and pretty shit hot right now. Long may it continue and long may we laugh at our funny blogging ways.
Bee xxx
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