I wrote a really heartfelt post the other day, that so many of you connected with. The messages, the comments, the emails, the tweets. It was pretty overwhelming but humbling to know that I was not alone in this and by opening up so candidly on this blog. That it had helped others in the process to understand their own instances when someone hadn’t been around and had abandoned them on multiple cases. The post honed in on the lack of my real father (I use the term “father” loosely) being in my life. I feel like I owed it to my mum to post something to thank her for everything.
I know it broke your heart, when at 17 I declared I wanted to leave home and live with my boyfriend (now husband) but I did it because I had faith in what we had and I so desperately wanted to make it work. Probably because I was looking for that “special love” and I had just outgrown living at home. But please know I sometimes I wish I still lived at home (or wish I had stayed longer), so I could make you breakfast in bed, watch stupid Christmas films with you and generally look after you, just like you looked after me all those years.
I’m happy with the way my life turned out, you don’t need to worry about me. Because, you know that I am fiercely independent (despite being the only 27 year old I know who can’t bloody drive) by being the child that you brought up & raised on your own, you gave me that motivation to rely on myself and not others.
There’s a home video at Nana & Grandads, where I am sat in your lap looking at your locket necklace. I ask “who’s that?” at the photo and you reply “It’s Becca. That’s you.” I always see the love in your eyes and the love in mine, every time I watch that bit. It always makes me well up actually (cos underneath it all I’m a big softie.) And as much as I like to think I’m that robust, strong, independent girl sometimes I want to just go back to that moment and be big baby and snuggle in your arms.
I thank you for my love for music. The incessant playing of the Smiths rubbed off on me and became one of my favourite bands growing up. It’s probably why I am in love with music so much now. Sometimes lyrics are the only thing I can connect with and can help me understand the way I’m feeling.
I still get a tear in my eye, everytime I think about that time we went on a school trip and you were one of the mums who helped out for the day. You worked full time to pay the bills and took a day off to come with me. We went to the York Castle Museum all dressed up as little Victorian School Children.I didn’t sit with you on the bus on the way home, opting to sit with some friends instead. I still feel guilty to this day that I did that. I’m sorry. (I know you still think I’m a douche for remembering this and I know we can laugh about it, but it really does make me sob a little inside!)
I cried the morning of your wedding to Dad too. God, I wanna kick my 5 year old self for doing that. How dare I ruin your special day? And although me & Dad didn’t see eye to eye for many years, please know that I will always have a respect for him bringing me up. Oh and also, thank you both for giving me the best, little sister I could have asked for (Jess, if you’re reading this HOOOIIIII.)
I’m also sorry for not calling more. Or visiting as much. I know when I finally pass my driving test this will happen more and more and we can spend a lot more time together. Sadly, I get so wrapped up in my own little head I never make time for the things that matter and that is my own failing. I know I need to work harder on this and I’m truly sorry for that.
We spent hours making hand made items for our wedding, you made so many little bits that were so special because you’d done it. We didn’t need a big fancy wedding, we just needed love and support and that’s what you gave me. Especially as the 18 months leading up to the big day weren’t the easiest with Grandad (your dad) being in hospital for a large part of it. I’m just glad I got to have you all there with me.
The times we laugh at toilet humour, our stupid dancing and even our silly “chicken run” goodbye wave to one another. I know you’ll always make me laugh and be there for me when I’m feeling low.
You probably deserve a much better daughter than me. I’m cocky, I’m sarcastic, I’m a know-it-all, I’m brash, I’m a pain in the arse. Yet, you are none of those things that I am. You’re caring, you put us first all the time, and yet, you still put up with me. Mum, you really do deserve the world and I wish I could give it to you just like you have given it to me.
I love you, Mum.
Please don’t ever forget that.
Twitter | Instagram | BlogLovin | Pinterest | Facebook
