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Turning 30 is one of those ages that you are fully on board with or completely and utterly dreading and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve hopped in between both of those drastic feelings when it comes to reaching a new decade of my life.
I’ve been teetering both lines for sometime now but as it edge’s closer, yes, just less than a mere two months away (Christ almighty, Jesus H) and slowly but surely I am starting to feel way more at ease with it.
You see, I’ve spent so many of my previous years anxiety ridden, filled with angst, making sure I didn’t lose a job and could still pay my bills before I had exited my teens. I grew up so fast and have always been told that I’m much older than my years. So with that I’ve bended, folded and shaped myself in to a mould that I thought I needed to fill and mostly, I’ve never ever let myself deviate away from what’s expected of me hence feeling like I’m not quite sure of what or who I feel I’m meant to be.
What exactly did I put out in to the world other than being the girl who left college and shacked up with her now husband?
Coupled with all my daily anxieties, your twenties are a messed up, muddled up, confusing time of where you feel you need to grow up but deep down you never quite feel like an adult. And wow, did I play the role of pretend adult quite well – oh the facade!
I didn’t go to university so I didn’t live a certain type of lifestyle like my childhood and school friends did for 4 years which meant we drifted. Instead of finding myself in a pool of vomit, hunched over some cheesy chips from the kebab stand followed by crying in to a toilet bowl that the boy I fancied didn’t fancy me back, I was actually getting a good nights sleep and waking up at 6am every morning, commuting to work where I’d manage a travel agents (a position that I’d worked my way up the ranks) and I would come home to my fiance and do it all over again. My friends & I lived completely different lives which ended with me feeling very lonely.
Instead, I’ve done most of it in reverse.
Getting a job straight out of bailing on my A Levels, I jumped on to a travel apprenticeship scheme (which I fully blame for my incurable case of wanderlust now) and being on an apprenticeship wage (which was a pittance) didn’t really allow for much of an extravagant lifestyle. My then boyfriend (now husband!) & I moved out together just after I turned 18 and my mere £350 a month did not get us far in the way of going out and being wild. Instead we opted for cosy nights in by the fire, a cheap bottle of Jacques (if you’re a noughties gal who lived on posh but cheap fruit cider you’ll know) and if we felt flush, a mojis pizza and that was our life. Simple, but I loved it (and still do!)
When we did get to travel the world, it was on my discounted travel deals that I got through work which was the main reason we could afford holidays. Usually it was to places like Turkey and 2 star hotels on Greek islands – places at the time that no one really wanted to go to, but it was always special nevertheless.
We bought our first home young too, we saved and saved, and thanks to a little sum of money from James’ grandma we moved in to our little 2 up, 2 down at the grand (not old) age of 22. At the time I felt like I was sneered at by people the same age as me because we had been able to buy a home together, and because of that I sometimes I felt like I didn’t deserve it which was wholly unfair on myself and I forever found myself justifying probably the biggest expense of my life.
But, I’m so grateful that we got on the property ladder at that time. Once again, our blood sweat & tears were poured in to our home from such a young age.
I even left my driving till later on in life. Watching all my friends zoom around in their little Fiat Punto’s left me feeling even more alone. Finally at the ripe age of 27 I eventually passed my driving test after the third attempt (whoops!) and became mobile. It was at this point I started to feel like I had my own independence.
Did I mention I’m yet to have kids as well? The notion of spitting out children before 30 horrifies me, especially that our world is hell bent on drilling it in to women that we need to have children whilst we are younger. I’ve got plenty on time and believe that working hard now and building our home will create stronger foundations for when we do eventually have kids. We want them on our own terms, not societies.
Fast forward to now, my 29 year old self has a pretty decent job that pays the bills and then some, because I’ve got the life and job experience to climb the job ladder, so we’ve now found ourselves going out a hell of a lot more over the last couple of years which is great but Christ, hangovers do not get any better as you age. (Hence my decision to take it steady on the alcohol front!)
We now go on various trips through the year to far-flung destinations instead of taking the usual gap year, some of them are luxury holidays too which is a wonderful feeling (but I’m still humble and will happily go back to those basic, 2 star hotels in Greece still!)
Whilst we did it all backwards, and it doesn’t seem conventional I know it’s the path I clearly had to take to get to where I am now.
Entering my 30’s has actually got a whole lot easier knowing that I’ve not missed out like I thought I had only a few years ago.
There was a time where I felt like I was having an existential crisis on a daily basis, worried I wasn’t living my life the way I thought I should be but I’m becoming so much better at working out what my time should be spent on thanks to my life coaching sessions and in the space of the last month everything has started to become much clearer about who I am, where I see myself and what I want from life (and amongst that I’ve also spilled my guts out to Sophie, cried, laughed and made some pretty big revelations along the way!)
I can now accept that I do (and have!) lived a pretty lovely existence.
It’s almost like these calls came round just in time to save me from entering another decade being unsure and timid of who I am and it’s also stopped me from self-sabotaging as I enter the next decennium.
They’ve almost, dare I say it, saved me from myself.
Manifestation is also playing a huge part in me believing in myself a lot more, thanks to Victoria’s superb post about it, her enthusiasm definitely made me explore this topic further. Ask the universe kindly, take inspired action and work with her and she will deliver. And boy, has she delivered so far.
As I enter my thirtieth year, I’ve made the efforts with old friends, I’ve realised that I don’t need validation from certain people, that I am capable of whatever is put in front of me, that I’m working hard and lovingly on my marriage, making our new home our forever home and generally walking through life with a little more confidence that I never thought was within me.
There was a quote I saw doing the rounds on Facebook that I’m now going to remind myself of daily because if this ain’t true, I don’t know what is:
“If Boris Johnson can look in the mirror every morning and think he is a good person, you need to cut yourself some slack.”
Boy, am I going to cut that slack!
I’m saying a fond farewell to my twenties, I’d like to thank them for making me in to a strong resilient person, no matter how hard I’ve found life over the years. There’s been some tremendous highs and some very low lows, each moment has shaped me and I’m forever thankful.
There was a time where I was once very, very, very scared of turning the big 3 – 0 but somehow, I have overturned a leaf and I’m embracing this new chapter by accepting my twenties were somewhat chaotic and blurry, moving in to the next phase is exciting and time to start afresh, especially now I know more about myself.
They do say that your 30’s are a pretty amazing time and to be honest I am so ready for them! (and the endless amount of tequila sunrises I’ll be drinking on a Mexican beach when the clock strikes and I enter this new phase of my life!)
Bee
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